Get out of my way (you fool!)

Well this might be unfair to pick on this tram conductor for this because he is not by far, the only one to commit such an offense. When I was getting on the tram for that same trip to Birmingham I got on and it was very crowded, now this conductor was making a fuss because I was struggling to get on. He was that busy making a fuss he was standing in my way! I don't half wish people would shut up and let me get on with things if what they are doing is more of a hinderance than a help.

One that I think is very funny is when people say sorry to me and neither of us have done anything to offend the other!

Cold Hands

Once I was shopping in Birmingham and when I am out I always carry a pen and paper around with me where I scribble notes down and if I want to later, write them up. If you know me at all, you know my ability to write with a pen is not very good as my hands are very stiff. Anyhoo, it was really cold when I was there and the very little movement I do have in my hands was frozen away and I was rwally struggling to scribble note down that even I could read! And people wonder why I hate the cold weather so much!

Reincarnation

A friend of mine got married this year and when they were taking the pictures a feather fluttered down and landed on his shoulder. Now he had also lost his Grandad earlier on that year and when his Nan saw the feather she said, "Oooh look, its your Grandad, he's come." He turned round to his other friend and said, "I didn't know me Grandad come back as a pigeon!"

Leave one interesting message after the beep...

Ok well right now I am on a cruise and it started off with us flying to Mexico and staying over night. Anyhoo it was the afternoon here when we arrived at a hotel and we decided to have some lunch and then get some rest. When we got to the room I checked my phone and discovered I hae 23 voicemails waiting for me and I thought "Oh fuck, they can't cope without me for one day!" Well they were all from my mom and they were all saying the same thing, which was nothing! Each one was, "Hello, its your mom," "Hello, its your mom," "Hello, its your mom." As if that wasn't bad enough, I called her back to find out what the actual problem was and she said she just wanted to talk to me! I reminded her that I was in Mexico and she claimed she had forgotten that I was going even thoough I had told her two days before! She then asked when I'd be back and again I said I would be back in four weeks. Wow, the audience really wasn't listening was it?

Did I Do The Right Thing?

Well I started this English and Creative Writing degree two years ago and I am now wondering if it was a mistake, because young people today not can put sentences together even!

A Hat of All Things

Hello, well I saw this old woman today wearing exactly the same hat as me. I could have died. The hat wast from M&S and it is black with white leopardskin print on the brim, rather jazzy for an old woman in her 70s, but of course its the 23-year-old who feels small! I nearly died of embaressment and pointed it out to my other half, who was with me at the time. He said that it was the risk I was running when it came to having stuff from M&S, as it was highly probable that old women would buy the same things. I simply retorted that it was all over the news that old people had no money and so shouldn't be shopping in M&S! Needless to say, he didn't have an answer to that!

A Fish isn't very Animaly!

Hi I am at university and shouldn't be on this blog while I'm here, but I've been getting quite excited because I have aquired a few followers. Shock horror, am I really that interesting? Anyway, I remembered something funny this morning, when I first started pretending to my parents to be a vegetarian I remember my dad was going to the chippy and asked me if I wanted fish and chips, when I said, "I don't eat fish dad," he replied, "You can have a fish! A fish isn't very animally is it!" Not sure what animally means, but if it means an animal then what else is a fish? That is hilarious in itself, but I'm not actually a vegetarian anyway!

My Friend

Ok this is not funny at all but I feel I need to write this and don't really have anywhere else to put it. I would just like to say how much admiration I have for a friend who is on the same course as me at uni. I understood today that she is having a baby (she did tell me before, but we were in a noisy place and I couldn't really understand her.) I don't want children and the idea of me finding myself pregnant terrifies me (mainly because I would have to make myself have an abortion and I don't want one of those either...) But been as my friend wanted this baby and was trying for it, I admire her for doing exactly what she wants and not letting anyone or anything stand in her way.

Mom again...

Well I got two mom things for you, the first was one of those things really where you have to be there to get it. I was in another room and she was talking to someone else and I just heard her say out of the blue "Well I ent bin movin wood glue!" That sounded so funny because I know what my mom is like for moving, but I also don't see what she would want with wood glue!

Another thing was tonight she said to me, "Hold tight very please," and I just said, "Yeah mom, you got all the words in there, you just need to get them in the right order!"

Paid a visiit to an old sociology lecturer and wished I hadn't...

Well I thought this was more cynical than blindingly hilarious, but my jokes seem to have dried up for a bit andthis seems to be the best I can do. The reason I went to see this lecturer is because this book I am writing involves a particular theory that she origionally taught me and I wanted to ask her a couple of things about it. Anyhoo, not only did she refuse to help me, to cut a long story short she was very rude. She recommended I have a look at some books on her Module Guide (an instruction leaflet she gave me when she taught me three years ago) and no offense, but like I'd still have that now, I'm no pack rat! I have found some books though and I plan to have a look at them and then try and find someone else to help me. I am not going back to her again, and at least I know one person who I HAVEN'T got to dedicate my book to!

The feet part 2

After the first fiasco with the feet you would think we would be more careful, but oh no that's just not us! This same friend and I went to Walsall not long after the first feet incident and when we got there he helped me into my chair and then we realised we had left the feet at home. He said that he was not driving back to my parents house to get and so I had to go all round the town with my legs in the air. As were going round he said to me, "People are gonna think we've nicked this wheelchair from the hospital!"

The feet part 1

One time when a friend and I went shopping in Wolverhampton, we had taken my manual wheelchair and he was pushing me around in it. This wheelchair had detachable foot rests/plates on the front, which someone had to detach and take off whenever they folded the chair up to put it in the car. Well he detached "the feet," helped me in the car, folded the chair up, put it in the boot of the car and drove off. Leaving the feet on the car park! We had got back to my parents house before we realised what had happened he just shoved me back in the car and we sped it back to Wolverhampton dodging all the red lights. My parents live 20 minutes away from the city and we made it back there in 10 minutes. Luckily, the feet were still on the car park.

Ringo and the pod

I have a guinea pig called Ringo and he's a really cheeky little thing. He has this green pod, which he goes in as his little hide out and sometimes he tips it over from pushing it to hard with his nose. He did this the other day and he kept running back towards the patio door. Someone went out to him, thinking that a cat had jumped down into the garden and was scaring him. That wasn't the case though, he was only trying to tell someone his pod had been overturned and someone had to come and put it right!

Terine of beef!

Well this one started when my mom and I were watching an episode of Roseanne and it was the one where her sister Jackie, had joined this community theatre group. She only had one line and she was playing a very menial role of a peasant servant with a wooden leg. You may be able to find the clip on youtube. Anyhoo, this wooden leg just looked like an umberella shoved up her skirt and when she delivered her line ("Terine of beef") it seemed that she made every possible mistake there was to make, for example she was looking at the audience and doing a funny accent and the leg just looked hilarious! My mom was howling with laughter and said, "Thats the funniest thing I've ever seen!" She then said she needed to pop down the shop for something and while she was down there she fell over and hurt her ankle badly. Later that night she was limping around on it and all I could think to say was "Terine of beef!"

Manners

Well I don't find this very funny, but I think some of you might. This morning I realised that I live on a housing estate full of neandrathals. I went to the shop down the road simply because I had run out of bottled water. I there is no disabled access to get into the shop through the door marked "entrance" and so I have no choice but to go in through the exit. That wouldn't be half as bad if the door open the way I need it to, but that type of technology is to advanced (thats why I don't go so far as to expect them to allow me to use the conventional route) and so I have to wait for someone to open the door for me. A total of 4 people just walked past me as though I waiting for a fucking bus! God knows what people round here would do if something was on fire!

Vegetarianism

I feel a little annoyed with the people who wrote Gavin and Stacy because there is a character on there who pretends to be a vegetarian and it is as though they have been stealing my idea. I have been pretending to be a vegetarian since I have been 19. Fair enough the character of Pamela has a somewhat more comical reason than myself for it, but its still my idea that has been stolen. The reason for Pamala's so called vegetarianism is that she thought some people who she was cooking for might be vegetarians and she hadn't gotten any vegetarian friendly food in. It turned out that her guests wern't vegetarians and the way she explained all the meat-free products she had was that she herself had become a vegetarian. From then on she had to carry on pretending because her got married to the daughter of the family she was entertaing that night and so they were always around from then on. My so called vegetarianism comes from a more practical base, as I have mentioned before, cooking may be a bit of a dangerous activity for me and so very often people cook for me and there are certain meat products I don't like to eat. When I used to eat meat at home, no matter how many times I used to say I didn't want certain things someone still used too cook them for me. I soon realised that this kind of telling did no good and I wasn't going to raise a fuss because life gets very weird when you realise that you are dependant on somebody. I would be biting the hand that feeds me, litrally. So I thought about whether I enjoyed the meat products I liked more so than I disliked the ones I was "made" to eat. I decided that I didn't and so decided to become a vegetarian and therefore cut out all meat products (apart from fish and dairy.) This worked out better than I thought because when I am alone or with friends from uni I can still eat meat. There are only certain people I won't eat meat in front of and I have been pulling this off for four years now. Its worked out quite good for me other than, YOU, WHO WROTE GAVIN AND STACY, IT WAS MY IDEA FIRST!

Don't show our family friends the sweet trolley

Last christmas we got invited to a family friends birthday dinner and when it came to everyone ordering there deserts, the person whose birthday it was said he wanted two. His son-in-law was saying the same, that he wanted lemon merangue pie and christmas pudding. In the end one of them said "No lets not be greedy, we'll just have one," and, "Being as its nearly chrismas, we should have christmas pudding." I ordered a banana split and when it came it was huge and there was no way I could have eaten it all. When these two men's christmas pudding's arrived they were so small you would not have blamed anyone for having two puddings if they got those! That was not the funniest thing though, the birthday boy then turned back to his son-in-law and said, "Well, what you ordered this for?" Of course, it wasn't his fault was it?

Pudding

Someone once asked someone else if they wanted any pudding and they asked what they had got to offer them. This person then prooceed, "I have apple pie, is cream, ice lollies..." and they answered, "No wait, I'll have some popeye..." The person dishing out the food then rolled they're eyes towards me and then back to them. They said in typical black country style, "Ay..." and this other person looked back at them, as though they hadn't got a clue what was going on and said, "What did ya say?" They then looked exasperated and said, "APPLE PIE!!" and the pudding-eater just said, "Oh yeah, apple pie, that'll do..."

Oh dear, what can the matter be? I think they must be locked in the lavatory!

Something happened the other week when someone locked themselves in the toilet. The ironic thing was they hadn't even shot the bolt on the door. When you just close (not lock) a door the hand releases a catch so the door won't just swing open automatically, this catch got stuck when the door was closed! They were shouting and shouting for someone to help them and in the end someone had to push a saw under the door to them. They then had to saw though the catch in the door handle to get out and when they finally got the door open they were all shaken. They were saying, "Thank God... I just gotta sit down for a bit," (like they weren't doing that in there a few minutes before...) and there was a waterfall of sweat running down their forehead. I don't know what all the fuss was about, no one was hurt and I've seen on TV people who have escaped from very very dangerous situations (such as being stranded in deserts) without the help of a saw.

The colinder

I remember this again it was from years ago, someone walked into the sitting room from the kitchen wearing the colinder on the head and said, "Oh God... I'm under a strain..."

My mom says

I told my mom I was writing about her on this blog and she said "Tell your readers from me to blog off!" I hate to disappoint you mom, but I don't think I'm that popular yet. Is someone reading me? Someone? Anyone?

I didn't make it up

The other day I was watching "The Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour," thats a really zaney show they used to do in the 1970s and afterwards I was singing this song from it that just got stuck in my head. It went like this, "His name was bad, bad Leroy Brown, the baddest man in the whole damn town, badder than old King Kong, meaner than a junkyard dog." Anyhoo, someone heard me and asked if I'd made it up. I said I hadn't and it was on TV. They didn't believe me and said, "You're the writer, you should know the word "badder isn't in the English Language." So I said, "Yes I do know isn't, so I wouldn't make that song up, would I?"

The chip basket

Heres another one about my mom, shes got things now where sometimes struggles to find the word she needs, I call it altzheimer's desease. She asked me once if I wanted some chips and if I did that was fine but she hadn't got any oven chips. I said that I thought she had thrown the deep fat fryer away and she said, "I did but I kept a... a thing." "A what?" I asked, confused as to how you'd would go about frying food without a fryer. "You know what I mean..." she said annoyed now, "No mom I dont know what the hell you're talking about." By this time I was wishing I hadn't started this conversation, "You know... a thing! What you put the chips in..." "Newspaper..." I guessed without much enthusiasm. "No! Don't be stupid!" (No one would ever think that chips go in newspaper, would they? I mean really!) "It's like one of those things... ummm A CHIP BASKET thats what it is!"

God I was so glad she figured that out or I wouldn't have got any sleep that night...

Kid on trampoline

The house at the back of mine has one of those big sporting trampolines in the back garden, which the kid often plays on. Anyhoo, one day he seemed to be getting a little over excited on it and his dad shouted at him, "Steady on now, I `ent taking you to hospital with a broken neck!" I just did my signiture stare over the rim of my glasses and said to whoever was in the room, "No, if he breaks his neck, he will just leave him there. I wonder if he will be kind enough to take him to hospital if he breaks his arm?"

There's hope for me yet

Yesterday after my Shakespeare lecture I got this text from a friend and she said, "Hi, I'm in the book shop, which version of Henry VI do we need? I can only find part 3 here." I text her back and said, "It's Henry V and there is only one volume of it."

Daft things my mom said...

Okay well this won't be the only post involving my mom and the daft things she says, I promise there will be steady intervals of these. Tonight she made a comment about my untidy desk (she's never heard of organised mess, she prefers to put things away so that no one knows where they are,) "Caroline, there is hardly any room to swing a cat on this desk." So what, its not her table is it? So I just asked, "Well why would you want to swing a cat on my desk anyway?"

One time the other week we were out and she said, "I don't think we need a big coat today do we?" I gave her my corner of the eye, upwards stare that my Nan taught me and answered, "No I don't think so and its a good job as well because I don't think we have got one big enough for the two of us to fit in together!"

Food Technology

Last night I had a funny recolection of when I studied Food Technology when I was 16. Sometimes in lessons we had to cook something and because of my hands it wasn't really safe for me to cook without a teaching assistent to help me. Anyway even though I had help I was still getting all flustered and I was only making pasta salad. I was trying to put all my ingredients on to boil at once and my teaching assistent was standing over the stove. I remember saying, "Miss, I'm going to get another pan, I need to boil this," and her saying, "Just a minute Caroline, we got about six pans boiling here!" I just have one question now, what was I doing? You don't need that many pans for a Sunday dinner, nevermind a pasta salad!

Retrning to blogging after a ten month absence...

Before you say anthing, I know I have been gone for a long time. I get bored very easily you see, especially when there is nothing going on. That's what been the matter in terms of my writing so I have spent that length of time not having a baby, but trying to find some inspiration. I guess you can say I've been having a baby, because sometimes I have been reffering to this idea as my baby. Anyhoo, I am hoping this novel is going to show off my funny side so I am going to tell you some of the funny things that happen to me on a day to day basis. Here's something from yesterday,

I was in a corridor of the MB Block at uni, when this stupid and mithering woman stopped me and asked if I was okay. I replyed that I was and then shot back my usual response of, "You okay?" That's my way of saying, "I can't be bothered to work out if you're patronising me, but if you're not, you can interpret me as being polite. If you are then I am letting you know I can be just as condescending." She then asked me where I was going and when I said "To the lift," giving the usual shifty look I give when I want to say, "Back off and mind you own business." She then asked if I knew where the lift was! Now, baring in mind that this is my fifth year at that university, you would think I'd know my way around by now, wouldn't you?

Stupidity

What does one mean by the concept of stupidity? There are many different ways of looking at this concept and does it need approaching for one? When we think of something or someone as "stupid," why do we use an adjective with such a diverse meaning? Stupidity also enrages others who supposedly know better, but is it the behaviour of others that angers them, or the realisation that they too could have made the similar mistakes? When correcting others, how people go about it can reflect upon their own piece-of-mind.

I return to my original question of what stupidity actually is, as this is something I have never mused about before. I am just one of the masses who have called something or someone stupid. I have never taken time to concider what I may mean by this. Some people may think I am very rude (and for the record, I am not saying your wrong,) but isn't the concept of rude a lot similar to the concept of stupid. What one person thinks is stupid may not be an opinion shared by others, or some people may select an "offence" and typify it as stupid, but bje extremely gulity of it themselves.

One thing that I know I do and can't stand to watch/listen to others do is overstate things. Like they think the person they're talking to can't understand them. Where do they get off being so egotistical? Another thing is when people take a specifc stand point, but then go against it. For example, when Mrs Banks in Mary Poppins was campagining for women's right to vote and then she turns round to the maid and tells her to hide her sash because it make her husband mad. God I'm glad the feminists of the 1960's weren't so fickle.

I started blogging again...

Hi I was talking to a new friend of mine the other day and she was telling me how she had set a blog up where she could just come online and talk about random musings. To cut a long story short I deecided to do it too, sorry for pinching your idea hun! Well this is not a completely new idea for me and have started blogs before and never really kept them up because it seemed that no one was reading the - no one was commenting anyway and pretty soon life was getting in the way for me and I just gave up. Not that I'm not interesting!

To start with I will tell you a bit about me, my name is Caroline and I am 22. Right now I have just fallen in love with reading and am finishing books left, right and centre! I also want to be a novelist and am trying to work on a piece right now, if I ever leave the planning stages lol! I have had a poem published by United Press, which I am so proud of, I just wish my family could have felt as proud as me. Still my "I wish" Mama seemed proud of me and she understands my love of writing. I am not going to tell you her name yet, she is just someone who I love as though she is my mother and anyone who's seen us together will probably guess anyway.

I study Creative and Professional Writing and English at University and love it because it allows me to do the two things I love most in the worlds - reading (stuff I want) and writing.

As for the title of this blog, it was named after the song sung by Julie Andrews, before she was really famous, in Cinderella (hence the video) and I often feel like the narrator in that song. Ah well suppose I'd better get some sleep. Be back soon. x